


After the Bombs

by at_the_window



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, M/M, One Shot, Post-First War with Voldemort, Reconciliation, or at least a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28016427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/at_the_window/pseuds/at_the_window
Summary: The war is over, Sirius has Harry and he feels like shit. He cannot fix it all, but one thing he can fix.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 33





	After the Bombs

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and I put it together pretty quickly this afternoon while listening to "After the Bombs" by The Decemberists on repeat. I think I probably needed to unload some emotions. English is not my first language, so I'm sure there are some mistakes, but I hope you can enjoy it anyway.

Sirius was so tired. The past night had been the worst night of his life. He had been betrayed by one of his best friends, Wormtail, Peter bloody Pettigrew, who had been poisoning his mind for months, planning to destroy everything good they had built together in the years. But really it was his fault, Sirius', for being so fucking gullible and insecure. He should have known better. But noooo, no sir, Sirius had something nice for once, something precious and golden and beautiful, something to protect ad so obviously Sirius had to go and throw it down the gutters. And now what did he have left? Two gravestones to cry at. And an ex-bestfriend turned traitor. And an ex-boyfriend who hadn't deserved to be treated like shit. And a godson to take care of.

"Fuck..." he whispered, while pressing his hands on his temples. His eyes were burning red and sticky with tears. Of course he knew he needed to put himself back together, for Harry, because first of all he had no intention to let Dumbledore take him to Petunia, but also because Sirius didn't want to die, reach the afterlife only to be welcomed by a disappointed James. Not gonna happen. But he had so much guilt weighing him down...he had barely managed to take Harry and put him to sleep in a transfigurated crib. Only a few hours ago, when he had met Hagrid outside the Potter's cottage, the half-giant had immediately given him Harry to hold and had told him to go back home. He was gonna deal with the headmaster. Hagrid firmly believed that it was Sirius who was meant to take care of the child. "I never liked the idea of little Harry growing with the muggles." He had admitted, "I've been keeping an eye on them and, let me tell you: not good people."

And Sirius wanted to have Harry, he wanted to take care of him so, so much, but not alone. Not like this. The guilt for being responsible for James' and Lily's death, he couldn't do nothing about, but there was something else he was feeling guilty for and that he could fix. He had to. He sort of knew where to start, so he took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly to calm down, then went to the fireplace to firecall his only lead.

"Mr. Black," a voice answered, "I wasn't expecting a call." But she didn't sound surprised.

"Professor McGonagall," he greeted her with a nod of the head, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I need to fix something...I think you can help me."

Once again, the older woman didn't seem surprised in the least. A little smug if anything. And almost...delighted? He could never really read her expressions, other than when she was preparing the reprimand of the century. That expression he could always recognize from afar.

"Continue."

"Ehm, yeah...so." Sirius had to fidget with the carpet's edge to keep himself grounded, to focus. "I don't have any actual proof, but I think you might know where to find Remus. Lupin, that is. Remus Lupin." He continued, smiling a tight smile and hoping to be at least a little bit charming.

"As a matter of fact, I do."

Sirius stared at her, expecting the woman to just give him an adress or something. She was staring back at him, however, stern and unreadable as ever.

"...and could you tell me where to find him, then?" He tentatively asked.

For a second professor McGonagall looked like her answer was going to be negative, but then she sighed. "Mr. Black, I want you to have very clear in that slovenly, chaotic head of yours that in the past year or so I've been working in close contact with Mr. Lupin and I've grown quite fond of him."

It was Sirius' turn to not be surprised. Remus was lovely and polite and smart and brave. Remus was easy to grow fond of. He should know. "I am quite fond of him myself, professor." He mumbled, not at all embarassed by his feelings, but still he felt his cheecks warm up.

Professor McGonagal continued as if he hadn't said anything. "I've seen him falling apart, Sirius. I've seen him after your...talk. He thinks so little of himself that he wasn't even surprised by your words. He was shocked by the pain he was feeling, though. He wasn't ready for that." Sirius looked up at her and discovered in that moment that he could read another of his former teacher's expressions. He had seen that same emotion on Euphemia Potter's face when she had opened the front door to her home and was faced with a defeated and broken Sirius, the night he had left Grimmuald Place. McGonagall was crestfallen.

"I-" Sirius tryed to say something, but was interrupted and thank Morgana for that, because he didn't really know how to reply.

"Sirius, I am not telling you this to make you feel guilty. I can see you've decided to carry more than enough blame on your shoulders already and, let me tell you: you are only responsible for what happened between you and Remus. Not for what happened to James, to Lily, nor to little Harry."

"I insisted the Secret Keeper had to be Peter." Sirius chocked out between sobs. Was he crying? He hadn't even noticed. "I should have known, I should have noticed Peter was being shifty and-"

"No one in the Order noticed either, Sirius. Not even Remus himself. The responsibility for his actions are not on you." And the way she said it made it seem like a final verdict. "I am sure of that. That's is why I will tell you how to find Remus."

"Sounds like there are conditions to that, professor."

"That is because there are."

Sirius didn't need to think about it. "I'll do whatever I have to. Go on."

"First of all, you will agree to let me come over to your apartment and babysit Harry while you're out looking for Remus. This is necessary as, as you might have guessed, the streets of London are crammed with both wizards and witches celebrating the end of the war. It is not safe to carry a child into that. And I want you to go to him immediately."

Sirius nodded. He also wanted nothing more than to see him as soon as possible.

"Secondly, you will allow Remus to not accept your apology,"

Sirius grimaced. That was a possibility. After all he had been horrible to Remus and the werewolf had already forgiven the unforgivable once. Maybe he had run out of chances to fuck up.

McGonagall's voice interrupted his thoughts "-but you will go back again and again to apologize." She looked at Sirius straight in the eyes. "You, Sirius Black, will not give up on him again." Her eyes were made of stone. "Do you understand me?"

Sirius nodded. A heavy silence stretched between the two for a few seconds, then the woman stood up and Sirius quickly moved away from the fireplace to allow her to step in his living room. She dusted away some ash from her clothes and took a piece of paper from a little pocket inside the sleeve of her dress.

"You will have to apparate near the shop and then walk there or use muggle transportations. It is in a muggle neighborhood, so try to be descreet, but the owner of the shop is a witch," She handed the note to Sirius, "You will find him there now. He has been working there for a while, between missions, and he always works the mornings."

-oOo-

Sirius was out in a second, he landed in an alley that was far enough from the shop so he could calm down his nerves while walking there, but not too far. They had been far for long enough. He focused on taking one steady step after the other and on breathing calmly. What was he going to say? 

I am sorry I didn't trust you.

I am sorry, I was weak and scared and I fucked up.

I am sorry, I was shipwrecked and I thought you were the storm.

I am sorry I couldn't see you were the coast.

When he arrived in front of the shop, however, he found that when looking at Remus he couldn't even remember how to let his heart beat normally, let alone use words. He was right there, tidying some old books, placing them with care in different boxes with different price tags scribbled on the sides, on small tables right outside the shop. He was there, alive and golden even in the gloomy light of a November morning. Sirius must have let out a sound or something, because suddenly Remus was turning and Sirius could tell that he knew who was staring at him before he was fully turned to face him. Sirius could feel his stomach somersaulting and pirouetting in his belly and tears pooling in his eyes. He thought he would have none left by now, but then again, Remus had always made him want to outdo himself. 

The look in Remus' eyes broke Sirius' heart all over again and he hated himself for putting all that sadness in Remus' warm eyes. His eyes are so big, they could hold all of the world, Sirius thought, and still that amount of sadness was too much. "Moons." Sirius hiccoughed. He hadn't used the nickname since before their fight. Sirius took a step forward. He was so close, so bloody close. "I am sorry." Another step. "I am so sorry I hurt you so bad." He couldn't move his eyes from him. 

Remus would aways say how beautiful and unique Sirius' gray eyes were, he would compare them to crystals or say they looked like water or like the clouds or like the stars... maybe it was true, but Sirius knew that Remus' eyes were the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. Warm and soft, determined and bright, so, so big...those eyes were not made for pain.

Since Remus was also staring at him, unmoving and golden all over, Sirius tried to say something else. "I - I have Harry." Remus blinked at that. "At my apartment I mean. Would you like to come visit? Sometimes? Maybe we could talk and I could apologize and try to explain? You culd come straight from work and I could make dinner for you too, so you could spend some more time with us. With Harry. Or, or you could just come to stay with Harry alone, just you two. I would leave you with him, you know? I think you would be great with him actully, because I trust you. I learned, ehm, I learned my lesson, and - and you should be part of his life, only that means you'll have to see me too, as I have him. In my apartment. With me. He lives with me now." 

Ok, brilliant. Absolutely horrible, but also brilliant, at least Remus knew Harry was safe and that he was going to be part of his life, if he wanted to. Sirius hoped Remus wanted to. Sirius was almost out of breath.

"Sirius." 

Oh. He had missed that voice saying his name. He swallowed.

"Sirius, what are you doing here?" Remus' voice was flat, but that wasn't enough to conceal the pain. Sirius could notice, at least.

"I came to see you. To - to apologize. Because I was a dick, ehm, to put it mildly. I should have known, Remus. I was so lost and you were too, I know that, but we weren't talking anymore, we were always away on missions...I was always exhausted, mentally and physically." Sirius was sure the pain he was feeling was mirroring that of the man in front of him. 

"I - would like to come over and spend time with Harry."

A little fire lit inside of Sirius. "Great. That's great." He felt brave again. "Come after your shift?" Sirius asked hopefully. "You'll find me - I mean, us, you'll find us home at any time." Remus was torturing the cuff of his sweater. He was thinking about it, really considering it, so Sirius continued, "You should't be alone. Not today. We won a war after all. And not anymore. You won't be alone anymore."

"And we can talk too. When I come over." 

Sirius was sure the fire inside of him was now visible from the outside too. "Yes. I would like that. Please." 

"Can I bring a gift to Harry?"

"You don't have to ask. You can bring him a new gift every day of the week until the end of time, Moony."

Remus nodded and let his eyes wander around. "I would like to read to him."

"Anything you want, Moony."

"I'll be there, then. At 6. To be with Harry."

Sirius' fire swayed faintly. "Ok." 

"And with you."

Sirius felt the fire grow stronger and beaming again. "I would love that."

It was going to be alright.


End file.
